“I’m not mad, I’m just overstimulated.”
That phrase above has transformed my motherhood. You know that feeling when you’re wearing something really uncomfortable, like an itchy sweater, and everything else around you becomes so annoying? Or, when you’re making dinner and the TV is on, the exhaust fan over your stove is on, and kids are playing loudly? No one is doing anything wrong, but you feel so irritated? If you can’t relate, you better just stop reading this blog now, you won’t get it. For the rest of us, here’s a little story…
Unmet Expectations
Before I had kids I thought that I would be an always-calm, gentle mother. I would be firm but kind, a little like Mary Poppins. I thought I would love every moment and never be overwhelmed. It’s pretty silly that I had these expectations considering I was easily overwhelmed at the time. Nursing school, household chores, and managing our finances all left me overwhelmed. For some reason, however, I thought it would be easier with tiny humans. Spoiler alert – it wasn’t.
I spent years wondering what was wrong with me. I couldn’t figure out why I felt so uptight so much of the time. Why was I so edgy and easily irritated. I loved my children more than anything, but I had a hard time relaxing and being in the moment with them. When I would sit down to play, I’d look up and see the dishes looming, and remember the laundry needed to be switched to the dryer. I was so overwhelmed with all the tasks that needed to be done, I couldn’t spend 10 minutes on the floor with my kid.
I had older, veteran moms, give me advice like, “Don’t worry about the dishes, that stuff will still be there when they’re grown. Just let it go, and enjoy your kids while they’re still little.” It seemed like great advice, but when I would do that I would just feel so much more overwhelmed because the dishes didn’t go away. It turns out you can’t just leave them until your kids are grown…it gets a little gross.
Four Main Priorities
I felt like I was always juggling my big 4 priorities in life: my relationship with my kids, my relationship with the Lord, a clean house, and exercise. My joke with my friends was that if they come over and my house is clean, and they know I’ve been running, they better ask me about my relationship with the Lord or my children, because one is definitely suffering. I lived in this constant state of doing only 2-3 of these priorities well at any given time. With one or two always falling just out of my reach. Four separate goals, and I couldn’t seem to stay on top of it all.
My Fascination with Tiny Houses
One day, I started watching a show about tiny houses and I was fascinated. I had lots of organizational systems in place in my home, but those systems were filled with too much stuff. I was always looking for another system, more storage, another place to put the things we “needed.” In this tiny home TV show the people were actually getting rid of their things! They were letting go of their items and foregoing space in order to live more simply. They left their McMansions to have next to nothing. I was mesmerized by the idea. It was also around this time that I found myself daydreaming about living like the Amish. Certainly not because I wanted to adopt their religious theology, but because when I would see them, their lives seemed so simple. Not easy, but simple.
The Marie Kondo and Minimalism Craze
Then came Marie Kondo. She came on the scene first with her books, which I heard about, but never read. Then her TV show came to Netflix. She showed how getting rid of things made the organization process much easier. I already liked organizing – I was fascinated by the simple living concept. Now I had a woman on television telling me that it was OK to get rid of things. I started out slowly. I would get rid of things, then next thing I knew, stuff would fill back up, but I got a taste.
In 2021, I found the Minimal Mom. She talked about living as a family of minimalists. She talked about the freedom she found after decluttering, and how she enjoyed her children. I began decluttering at a much larger scale. I got rid of so many things (stay tuned for a list in an upcoming blog post). The more I got rid of, the more peace I felt. The more peace I felt, the more I felt like I could relax in my own home. It became easier to manage the laundry, to keep the kitchen clean, to keep things tidy. I felt less overwhelmed to clean the bathrooms or to manage the dishes. Best of all, I had more quality and relaxed time with my kids
Back to Those Priorities…
What happened in all of this, is that I realized how my goals- spending time with the Lord, having a healthy relationship with my children, keeping my house clean, and exercising regularly, were actually all more related than I had realized. I learned about nervous system stimulation and that the reason a person is grouchy when they’re in pain, is because their nervous system is overstimulated.
Our nervous systems can be overwhelmed by any of the senses; uncomfortable clothing or pain, overly loud noises, overly powerful tastes, noxious smells, and too much visual stimuli, A.K.A, clutter. It turned out that I didn’t just need to leave the dishes until my kids were older. The dishes on the counter were activating my nervous system, making it more difficult to manage my emotions. I didn’t need to simply have more organizing systems or spend more time cleaning. In order reduce the visual overstimulation that I was feeling, I needed to reduce the amount of stuff in my house.
Taking Decluttering to The Next Level
When I discovered this about myself I decluttered even further. I got my family on board too, and helped them declutter their things. I realized I wasn’t just trying to have a cleaner house, and I wasn’t getting rid of stuff just to get rid of it, I was reducing the stimulation. With less nervous system stimulation, I was able to focus more, be more present, be more patient, and experience less stress. There were still plenty of other stressors in my life, but for the first time ever my home felt like a true haven away from the chaos of life.
Additionally, when things did get out of order, and I felt that anxiety creep up, I was able to identify it – I’m overstimulated. When I started to raise my voice, or speak impatiently with my kids, I would check myself and say to my kids, “I’m sorry. I’m not mad, I’m just overstimulated.”
Being able to put this into words has help my kids identify some of their triggers for their stress, as well. We’ve been able to talk about how our surroundings influence our feelings. As well as, how our nervous systems can get out of whack and that we need to find ways to keep ourselves regulated.
Returning to the Quiet
I realize that some people are more sensitive to extra stimuli than others. Some derive great pleasure from a loud rock concert, while others feel overwhelmed and stressed by it. It’s hard to realize just how stressful the rock concert may have been until you return to the quiet. The same is true for a decluttered house. If you’re feeling stressed and you’re not entirely sure why, try decluttering. Reduce the visual “noise” in your home, and see if the “quiet” brings you peace. You won’t know until you try.
You can find tips on decluttering and reducing the visual noice in your home on our blog. If you feel like some extra help, check out the services we offer to get your home to a “quiet” place.
